LORRAINE & MARY’S DAILY BLOG

MY 15 MINUTES OF SHAME

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:59:01 -0600

When my first child was born, my former husband and I were living in Laguna Beach. Life was idyllic.
One day, while nursing my child, I had Family Feud on. Yes Family Feud. Yes, the show with Richard Dawson who kissed all the girls.
Family Feud needed families from the LA area and they needed them NOW. My mind began churning. I recruited my reluctant family to at least go and try out for the show.
5 of us headed to the golden hills of LA. Let’s just say…if you had an IQ in the very low triple digits, you made it on the show. We auditioned against a family whose father had been so obviously forced to be there, when he was asked a question like “Name a kitchen utensil”, he would sigh, shrug his shoulders, and say, “I don’t know…whatever.” They didn’t get picked.
We did, despite the answer my brother-in-law gave when the question was, “What do you do with your children before you put them to bed?” His answer was “Give them cookies”.
The day of the BIG SHOW finally arrived. Thoughts of the lightning round and winning thousands were spinning through my mind. Not to mention all the fame and glory that would soon be coming our way.
Before the show, the women were interrogated to make sure we had no colds, cold sores, fevers or any other kind of potentially fatal disease Richard Dawson might contract after planting a big wet one on us.
Yes, this means, that RICHARD DAWSON’S LIPS HAVE TOUCHED MINE!
Suddenly, we were on stage and my husband nailed the first question and we were pumped. I nailed the second one and the points were adding up. We were winning so quickly, Richard Dawson had some time to waste so he asked me how I had met my husband.
Here I was in all my christian repressed wife glory—short permed hair, red ruffled shirt with matching red shoes (I am not making this up), and appropriately conservative beige swishy skirt.
“Um, well, I met my husband at a dorm dance in college. He asked me to dance and we were dancing, there was mud and beer all over the floor, and then he dropped me. Yes, he dropped me and I fell right on my ….ummmm, right on my …..
I was searching for the word tush. I was trying to be witty, a little coy. Tush was the word I wanted to say.
“Yes, Richard I fell…right on my DOUCHE. Yes…DOUCHE!”
Why was the audience laughing? Why was Richard Dawson’s jaw dropped to the ground? Why was my husband saying that I had been a linguistic major? I knew I had not been a linguistics major. Why aren’t these people getting it? So I said, it again, this time with loud conviction: “DOUCHE! DOUCHE!”
Suddenly through the pandemonium, I could see Richard Dawson leaning forward, and saying, “I believe the word you want to say is TUSH”. You could see the color rise on my face to the point my face matched my bright red blouse perfectly.
“Oh yes! TUSH! TUSH!” My hands on my hot face, the audience howling, me sputtering, “Well, you get the general idea.” Richard Dawson’s quick response, “Yes, I get MORE than the general idea. In fact you told me more about that mud and beer dropping incident than I ever cared to know!”
Being distracted by humiliation and that familiar middle school feeling when you’ve been publicly teased, I had to spit out some kind of answer to the question (Name a food that is breaded). I was out of my game, I was distracted. I quietly mumbled, “Well, Richard, I would have to say “steak”. XXXXXXXXX!!! It all went downhill after that and we sadly lost. Never even made it to the lightning round.
However, we did win a carton of toothpaste, a vacuum cleaner and some winter gloves (perfect for the southern California climate).
When it was aired 5 weeks later, they conveniently aired a Massengill Douche commercial right before my blooper segment. Seriously.

Later that fall, Mike and I were at the famous Laguna Beach Festival of the Arts. It was nighttime and dark and we had stopped to rest on a bench. The woman sitting next to us was extremely inebriated. After a bit, she leaned over and got right up in our faces. Then she pointed her finger at me.
“Weren’t you on Family Feud a month ago and said that you fell on your DOUCHE!” She began laughing rolling over holding her stomach.
My 15 minutes of fame had turned into my 15 minutes of shame.
I hate game shows.
Mary

GOT CRABS: SEXY CRAB FEAST

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 08:25:32 -0600

Got Crabs?
Think crab feast. Think great food. Think great friends. Think outside the box. Think unforgettable. Think messy. Think sultry. Think sensual. Think sex.
This is one of my favorite meals to serve because it seduces people to relax, get their fingers dirty, and takes them back to their youth when they were children and hadn't been ruined by Miss Manners and Emily Post.

No sissy tablecloths here. Cover your dining room table with newspapers, preferably the cartoons.

Utensils are absolutely forbidden. This is a non-negotiable rule that must be followed or any prissy guest should be shown to the door. No Debbie or Don Downers allowed. No pinkies up either (unless you’re Tony Romo).

Provide bowls of melted butter for the crab with sides of freshly steamed artichokes and mayonnaise with hunks of fresh moist bread that your guests pull off with their bare hands, preferably sourdough.

CRAB CURRY FEAST* FOR 8
Cooking sauce:
2 ½ cups chicken broth
3 TB cornstarch
3 TB Soy sauce
3 TB dry sherry or sake
In a bowl, combine chicken broth, curry powder, cornstarch, soy sauce, and dry sherry or sake.
Set aside.
Main dish:
3 tsp each salt
4 tablespoons curry powder
3 tsp sugar
2/3 lb boneless lean pork, finely chopped or ground (*I use ground salmon instead for my “vegan” Boulder friends—yes, I know it makes no sense)
6–8 large crabs (1–1/2 to 2 lbs each, cleaned, quartered, leaving legs and claws whole)
3 large cloves garlic, minced
3 medium onion cut in wedges and layers separated
3 medium green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
3 eggs, lightly beaten
Sprinkle salt, sugar, and curry powder over the pork (or salmon) and mix well with hands (I love mixing things with my hands).
Heat wok/s (I use 2 woks) over high heat.. When pans are hot, add oil. When oil begins to heat up, add garlic. Stir quickly once around the woks, then add pork ( or ground salmon), onion and green pepper and stir-fry for a couple of minutes.
Throw the crabs (you may have to do this in batches, especially when cooking 6–8 crabs) into the woks and cook until heated through. Add the cooking sauce and cook, stirring, until sauce bubbles and thickens. Stir in eggs just until they begin to set (about 30 seconds).
Heap them on colorful platters and dig in!
Have everyone throw caution to the wind, not to mention the scooped out crab legs, claws and artichoke leaves and toss them with zest and gusto onto the newspaper dressed table.
Don’t forget the thingies that crack the crab and pass around warm moist clothes for the hands.
Some rich buttery white wine like Cakebread Chardonnay (a splurge) or Benziger Chardonnay (fairly priced at around \$13–14/bottle) should be available in plentiful supply.

The music? Don’t laugh. Remember that Herb Albert album with the woman on the cover slathered with whipping cream? Yeah, that one. That music just screams sexy food (and sex) when everyone’s guard and inhibitions are left at the door with their shoes, you’re all eating with your hands and juicy melted butter is dripping down your chins.
Hey, while you‘re at it. Bring out some cans of whipping cream for dessert and let everyone have at it.
Trust me…this is a meal you’ll never forget.
Mary

WHERE HAVE WE BEEN?

Wed, 8 Oct 2008 06:32:03 -0600

WHERE HAVE WE BEEN?

Tearing our hair out. That’s where we’ve been. Haven’t you?

We’ve been talking to money managers, reading the news, taking a lot of TUMs and trying to become Buddhist real quick and just BREATHE.

We are committed to maintaining a sense of humor about all of this. Just give us a couple of days.

In the meantime....

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....

I FEEL CLEANSED

Thu, 2 Oct 2008 09:19:42 -0600

The Bitch day hosted by the Fabulously Forty website turned out to be a great success. We heard venting from near and far…..about kids and co-workers, husbands, boyfriends, mother-in-laws, cab drivers, menopause and wrinkles.

If one vent stands out in my mind it was the complaint from a large breasted woman who told us that almost every time her husband past her he had to grab her breasts!! She told the reading audience that the annoyance finally hit volcanic status and she told her husband to KNOCK IT OFF…then she gave it right back to him by grabbing his nipple and giving it a twist….she then asked how he liked it. Apparently he got the message and only grabbed her breasts at more appropriate times!!

The women who participated in this fun fest also appreciated reading other women’s complaints and then commenting or adding to the commentary. Most said they valued a place where they could spout and probably not be “found out”. Anonymous grumblings………perfect.

I would surmise that by the end of the day a lot of women got a lot of stuff of their chests and had a good time doing it. I know I did……..it is amazing how much of the same things we share in our day to day lives…….we all seem to be in the proverbial “same boat”….maybe our life vests today were our written rants and raves……what a fun day trip!

COUNTDOWN TO TOMORROW....

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:59:30 -0600

TOMORROW:

MEET US AT www.fabulously40.com FOR A DAY OF:

Think No holds barred, no subject sacred.

Think verbal vomit.

Think catty cleanse.

Think bitch slap.

Think bitch fest.

Think Bitch for a Day.

Think Complainiac.

Think Whiner Wagon.

Think Vent, Voice and Verbally Vomit

Think Communication Cleanse